drive

in response to a friend's request, here i am.
this is kind of spur of the moment, so bear with me. :D

i have lost my drive.
the drive to strive.
the drive to do things i should have done.
something like that.

it's kinda sad really.

i'm chronically absent.
seriously sedentary.
pathetically bored.
unconvincingly sad.

you know the days when you want to just stuff yourself in a closet and just hide?
i wanna do that.
but i can't.
cheery disposition and bright face is what i am.
i am this close to exploding.
this close.

i have said that once a year, i explode.
just like that.
i just let it all out.
sometimes go into a huge, major tantrum.
sometimes i cry.
sometimes i get depressed i'm thinking of just ending.
just like that.

i think it's happening.
i know.
i'm in it.

my security blankets have gone and withered.
i am just a shell of my former self.
though people may not see.

cause i am cheery.
and bright.
and always smiling in a hapless sort of way.

"something has changed within me,
something is not the same."

i always see that line in me.
i am not the same.
i know.
people change.
it's normal.
but this one isn't.
this one isn't.

i wish it would stop.
i wish there was a rewind button.
so i could go back.
go back to being happy.
naive.
unknowing.
unrealizing.
unsentient.

but i can't go back.
time machines have not yet been realized.
how i wish.

drive.
it's what keeps you going.
it's what keeps you strong.
i wish i still had that.