in which there is a spur of the moment

im at knl now, now that sembreak is over.
not that it's bad.
maybe it's not good.
but still.

it's been a while since i last made a blog entry.
i think blogging's been put to the discards bin for me.
just another half baked project that i've started and will never finish.
and true enough, i always find the time to resurrect the project and do another blog.
i've been staying home for the past week.
equipped with the fastest speed a 384kbps broadband connection can give to me.
and i didn't do any entry.
and now that i'm at knl, i found the time to do one.
weird.
just the way things work for me.
:P

now, i have been indulging for one whole week with lots of different kinds of downloads.
i have movies:
wanted
trainspotting
flushed away
sweeney todd
(you wouldn't believe the title) young people fucking
dr. horibble's sing along blog (though it's an internet movie, if it can be called one.)

tv series:
grey's anatomy!!!! :D :D :D :D
heroes
private practice
chuck
the big bang theory
drawn together (though i haven't finished downloading any) D:

music:
trainspotting ost
flushed away ost
dr. horrible ost (really fun)
sweeney todd ost

anime music:
i now have all the music from ouran high school host club.
character songs
opening and ending themes with karaoke versions
instrumentals
extended plays from kewabe chieco and last alliance
podcasts from the voice actors of tamaki and haruhi
yes, its that many.
i also have all of the music from higurashi no naku koroni
and its sequel, higurashi no naku koroni kai
character songs
opening and ending themes with karaoke versions
instrumentals
original audio dramas from the characters
i love this anime :P

maybe i've forgotten other downloads. it's just one too many.

my grades weren't that good.
but this sem has been one hell of a ride.
i've been chronically absent to a class. it gave me 2.25
i've been sleeping in a class almost everyday. it also gave me 2.25
i've been busting my ass in a subject. it still gave me a 2.25
my highest grade this sem is a 1.5. it's for a 2 unit subject.
my lowest grade is 2.25. those we're 5 and 4 units.
there goes my hopes and dreams. :))

i haven't eaten lunch yet.
now i'm hungry.
i haven't watched sweeney todd.
i'll watch that while eating.
i went to up earlier.
enrollment was only for freshmen, graduating and graduate students.
damn.
i still have my inc.
it seems my prof hasn't got my paper yet.
D:
oh dear.
i (i mean my parents) have to pay tuition again.
D:

i just got a text message from miko.
it says that geosoc's preclimb meeting is 3pm tomorrow.
does that mean i can go too?
i'm confused.

i've been listening to dr. horrible the whole time i've been writing this blog.
oh my god.
neil patrick harris has a nice voice.
i have voice envy.
felicia day's voice is just too fruity.
nathan fillion's voice, is well, i don't really know.
i just remember his line while delivering a speech to the homeless

"so i thank my girlfriend penny, we totally had sex."
roflmao
imagine being penny.
she was there when he said it.
how tactless
makes her look like a whore, i think.

warner has a blog.
http://kokaksabingpalaka.blogspot.com
my blog is not in blogspot.
it's in multiply.
though i check the blogspot mirror.

drat.
does anyone read my blog?
i wonder...

the
heathen
ewes
roost
enjoyably.

ishtar's
schmuck.

anatomy?

crap.
omigod.
dude.
ehhhhhh.

health
enemies
rejoice!
everybody's dead.

:)

started: 1446
finished: 1535

i write long.

therapy

so i'm pretty depressed.
and pretty down.
i think they mean the same thing.
but still, i can see the difference.

i am depressed.
cause i feel the world is against me.
maybe this is teenage angst.
late-onset teenage angst.
i hate angst.
it makes me... not me.

i am down.
down out of luck.
down out of resources.
down out of ways to motivate myself.
and the only way to express all these feelings is to write.

to write in a blog.
to write in a journal where the whole world will see.
to write in something that maybe my parents will see.
to write.
to write and let it all out.

blogging is my therapy.
i guess when i paused my blogging this hellish roller-coaster ride started.
lost my therapy.
missed a hell of a lot of sessions.
maybe i really need a professional therapist.
not that i can afford one.
nor will my parents send me to one.

am i too pent up?
maybe i am.
maybe i really am.
i hope not.

FOR THE MEMBERS AND APPLICANTS OF THE UP GEOSOC

i know that this is not what you guys would like to read.
and not what you guys would want to know.
and since i don't want any fuss, here it is.

I WON'T BE CONTINUING MY APPLICATION FOR GEOSOC.

there. i've said it.
that was what i was thinking while walking to physics lab earlier.
what i was hinting when i said "friend" of geosoc for the choralfest.

i guess it was coming on to me ever since theme week.
i wanted to finally finish the application process then and become a member of geosoc, so i didn't entertain the thought. but then it's something which has been creeping on my mind and feeding on my energy. i guess it finally won this time.

no offense on the members of geosoc, but putting effort on something that will make me happy sort of beats the purpose. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i want it served for me. and i know that this is a spur of the moment. maybe tegan and sara got me too emo. maybe my music got me too worked up and distracted. maybe its for the best. maybe i'll regret this decision and will acquit me of any more faults.

think of it as a fair warning that i don't really deserve to be a member. that other people deserve to be in it. but i will still be in the peripheries of the activities. maybe this will be good for me. and you all.

the ride was good and fun, but it was too stressful to do for me. maybe my threshold for effort is less than the effort required for me to join you guys. and to that i'm sorry. sorry that i let you guys down. sorry to make you hope.

what i really wanted was connection. making friends. making bonds that matter. making friends with you all has beaten the purpose of me joining. maybe this move will sever some of those connections, but it doesn't really matter. that break means that the bond was too weak to start with, and will not really be strong.

sorry that i am just putting this in my blog. maybe i'm too cowardly to see your surprised faces when i say it in person. maybe i don't want to see you dissappointed. maybe i don't want to feel your burning eyes and sharp words.

maybe i'll remain orgless for life. maybe i'll join another org. maybe i'll shift. or stop. i hope it isn't the last two.

sorry for letting batch-oi down. i don't know what to say. but please do not think of this as a free ticket to join me and quit too.

sorry for my buddy. my two buddies. sorry for not filling you in. sorry for not finishing. sorry for not giving the chance to try again.

i still love geosoc. i'll still be here. not as a full-fledged member, but as a supporter of your work. i will still give my help, if it is needed. if you still want my help. maybe i'm cheating. maybe it's unfair.

just tell me when to stop. tell me when to stop caring. tell me when to stop helping. tell me when i need to stop hanging out. maybe i'll be unpopular. maybe i'll be unwanted. but i promise not to say bad things about the org. i promise not to do anything that will put the org in bad graces to others. maybe i'll be a hypocrite in trying to persuade others to join the geosoc without myself being a member. but that's okay. i'll take my damage.

sana hindi kayo magalit sa kin. sana matanggap nyo pa rin na kaibigan nyo ako. sana yung feelings of bitterness na nararamdaman nyo ay hindi magtagal. at sana payagan nyo pa rin akong tumambay.

sumimasen.

Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at.
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at.
But now we'll never know.

drive

in response to a friend's request, here i am.
this is kind of spur of the moment, so bear with me. :D

i have lost my drive.
the drive to strive.
the drive to do things i should have done.
something like that.

it's kinda sad really.

i'm chronically absent.
seriously sedentary.
pathetically bored.
unconvincingly sad.

you know the days when you want to just stuff yourself in a closet and just hide?
i wanna do that.
but i can't.
cheery disposition and bright face is what i am.
i am this close to exploding.
this close.

i have said that once a year, i explode.
just like that.
i just let it all out.
sometimes go into a huge, major tantrum.
sometimes i cry.
sometimes i get depressed i'm thinking of just ending.
just like that.

i think it's happening.
i know.
i'm in it.

my security blankets have gone and withered.
i am just a shell of my former self.
though people may not see.

cause i am cheery.
and bright.
and always smiling in a hapless sort of way.

"something has changed within me,
something is not the same."

i always see that line in me.
i am not the same.
i know.
people change.
it's normal.
but this one isn't.
this one isn't.

i wish it would stop.
i wish there was a rewind button.
so i could go back.
go back to being happy.
naive.
unknowing.
unrealizing.
unsentient.

but i can't go back.
time machines have not yet been realized.
how i wish.

drive.
it's what keeps you going.
it's what keeps you strong.
i wish i still had that.